I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
