when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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