yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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