She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
