Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
