is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just threw up on my dentist
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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