i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
