She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
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I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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