shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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