Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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