I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
