There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
