Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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