I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
