So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
