Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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