you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
