apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
