wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.