I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them