It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.