And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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