just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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