I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
