Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
