i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Watching her eat just hurts me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
