Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
