Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
