just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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