i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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