do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
