either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
