ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
