I just threw up on my dentist
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
