I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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