Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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