I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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