There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
