Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
