I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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