i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
