You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
