I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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