I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
