We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
