I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
