You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
