i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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