guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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