I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
