WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
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Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
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If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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