ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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