don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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