this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So squirting runs in the family.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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