We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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