Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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