I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
